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January 8th / 10th, 2010
"The Ironies of 2009"
The Chinese assign animal names to each calendar year far in advance, but
I think we'd be better served to wait until the year is over, and then link
it to an appropriate theme. That's why I have designated 2009 as "Year of
the Irony".
Here, then, in no particular order, is a laundry list of events from the
past year which make my case.
A priest in Great Britain proclaimed that poor people were justified in
shoplifting, so long as they confined their thefts to large corporations. It
is ironic that a man of the cloth would advocate breaking a Commandment,
but if profitable industries were the target, why didn't he just advise his
flock to steal from the church?
Hanesbrands continued to shut down American plants and lay off American
workers so they could then open new plants in third world countries and pay
their new employees slave wages. That's bad enough, but then the company
announced it would raise the price of underwear. Thus, the cheaply produced
products are being shipped back to America at a higher price so that the
Americans Hanesbrands laid off can't afford to buy what they used to make.
Speaking of underwear, thousands of Americans were strip searched by
airport guards because the TSA feared we might be trying to sneak a bottle of
nose spray onto a plane. Meanwhile, an al qaida operative hid explosives in
his under shorts, passed through security unimpeded, and almost succeeded in
blowing up a jet liner over Detroit. I believe this was a sign from God
that we should not import underwear.
The Obama administration, which includes a bevy of flunkies who used to
work in the finance industry, rewarded greedy bankers and brokers for
triggering a depression. The bailout worth hundreds of billions of dollars is
ironic considering that regular folks like you and me who lost our homes and
life savings, now have no money to put into the banks that we bailed out.
After spending a year debating the merits of healthcare reform, Congress
has only managed one reform, the elimination of pre existing conditions as a
barrier to getting insurance. Unfortunately, our stalwart politicians
failed to place a cap on premiums. Therefore, while you'll have access to
insurance, you just won't be able to afford to keep it.
Tiger Woods cheated on his wife and lost most of his sponsors. Charlie
Sheen allegedly tried to kill his wife, yet Hanesbrands retained him as their
spokesperson. I would protest this miscarriage of justice, except that
Sheen may be the only American still employed by Hanesbrands.
A Vatican cardinal said that homosexuals will not be allowed into heaven.
This is the same Vatican that covered up child sexual abuse by priests.
This year, the death toll of American soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan
rose to nearly 5,000. Meanwhile, an estimated half million innocent Iraqi men,
women, and children have been killed as a result of our crusade to bring
peace to the region.
And speaking of peace, President Obama had the gall to accept the Noble
Peace prize on the same week that he ordered 30,000 more soldiers to war.
And on a related matter of irony, a judge allowed Blackwater goons to go
free on a technicality, even though they murdered 17 Iraqis and wounded 20
others. That same week, the Pentagon announced a new policy whereby any
soldier serving in Iraq who becomes pregnant will face jail time. And so we
ended the year of irony by showing the world that we don't mind sending
soldiers to create death, so long as they don't create a life in the process.
I suppose every year is filled with irony, but 2009 was a particularly
bitter pill to swallow, at least for those of us who could afford the pills.
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