June 26th / 28th, 2009
"A Respite from Controversy"
For years now my wife has had to take a lot of heat for the content of my
newspaper columns and television commentaries. So have my parents.
Almost every week they are forced to defend me or deflect criticism from
their friends who believe my musings to be inflammatory. In my mind I have
always tried to keep my attacks constructive and balanced. In fact, I
have criticized people of every political party, gender, race, and religious
persuasion with equal zeal. Still, I thought I would try my hand at
something non controversial for a change, and give my family a much needed
respite from having to defend my honor. So here goes my attempt to offer some
benign criticisms about a few universally recognized pet peeves.
“Coupon Counters”
First of all, I hate standing behind someone in a grocery check-out line
who has a suitcase full of coupons. I know that we are experiencing tough
economic times, but these coupon hoarders have been plying their trade long
before anyone even knew what a recession was. I have two suggestions for
dealing with this behavior. Either the store can designate a special
check-out line just for coupon clippers, or else they can re program their
computerized cash registers to automatically discount any item that is
advertised in any venue.
“Loud Talkers”
Next, I despise people who want everyone to hear every word they are
saying, especially when they are speaking into their cell phone. These
obnoxious folks particularly love to hear themselves talk in confined spaces such
as airplanes, book stores, and restaurants. And, invariably they are
standing or sitting near me, so that I can’t focus on the quiet conversation I’m
trying to have with my wife or friends. These loud talkers crave
attention and want everyone to know about their latest business deal or personal
problem. And speaking of discourteous communicators, running a close second
to loud cell phone talkers are the blue tooth people. This is a race of
people from the planet YourAnus. Time and again I have fallen for their
blue tooth trickery, much like Charlie Brown keeps falling for Lucy’s place
kicking stunt. Typically I will be in a store somewhere and hear the
person behind me ask a question. When I turn around and respond, they shoot me
a dirty look as they adjust the blue tooth in their ear, and I realize
that they are engaged in conversation with another blue tooth person. I’ve
heard of people talking out of their ass, but I never knew that you can talk
out of your ear. As far as I’m concerned, it’s the same thing.
“Holiday Perps”
And then there are my holiday pet peeves, starting with Halloween. Every
October 31, we are invaded by carloads and bus loads of kids from other
neighborhoods and towns. I always thought that trick or treat was a localized
ritual for the enjoyment of people in your own village. But now my wife and
I must purchase three tons of candy every Fall because scores of kids
(many of them old enough to shave) don’t respect traditional wican boundaries.
And speaking of boundaries, I want to say a word or two about people who
shoot off massive amounts of fireworks on the fourth of July. Such advanced
pyrotechnic displays are meant to be produced at baseball games or outdoor
concerts, not on your back porch. Newsflash, babies and pets live in
neighborhoods. Fireworks can disrupt infant sleep and frighten canines out of
seven years of their life. Long continuous streams of fireworks don’t seem
loud to these back yard violators because much of the time they are so
drunk that the alcohol has destroyed their hearing. To these people I can only
hope they get stuck behind a coupon counter, and don’t get home with their
fireworks in time to light them up.
“Ingrates”
My next pet peeve is about people who don’t know how to accept a courtesy.
I have substantially curtailed my ritual of holding open doors for ladies
because too often they just walk right by me in a huff as if I was a paid
doorman at the Waldorf. Most offer me no “thank you”, not even a nod.
One woman even told me she could get the door herself. And then there was the
lady that my wife and I encountered in Lowes recently. This woman was
pulling one cart and pushing another, both loaded down with plants and
merchandise. She was about to crash one of her wagons into a huge display, so I
quickly moved the front end of her cart so as to avert a disaster. I said, “
Looked like you had your hands full”. But instead of thanking me, the
woman, who apparently thought I wanted to have sex with her, said, “Yeah, and I
’ve got a cart load of kids with me too!” I guess she wanted me to
know that she wasn’t in the mood to make another baby.
“Dangerous Idiots”
And that brings me to my latest pet peeve. So called Christian pro life
people who bomb abortion clinics and murder innocent people. Maybe it’s
just me, but aren’t these idiots working at cross purposes? Oh, but wait.
That’s a controversial topic. I’m so sorry. It’s just a force of habit. I
apologize to my family for mentioning abortion and religion all in the
same sentence. Please pay no attention. Just pretend I was talking in my
ear.
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