
Each week I use the last few seconds of my “Triad Today” television show to comment on weird and wacky stories in the news. Here are some of the weirdest and wackiest from 2013.
BEARS GONE WILD
A zoo in Scotland was desperate for their two panda bears to mate, so zoo officials piped in Marvin Gaye music to get the female panda in the mood. The male Panda reportedly asked, “What’s Going On”?
PROSTITUTES GONE WILD
Last week a prostitute in South Africa collapsed after having sex with her client, and she was pronounced dead. However, after being placed in a coffin, the professional woman sprang back to life. Medical experts are trying to explain why she rose from the dead, but odds are it was because she had to use the John. Meanwhile, a British nursing home is in trouble with authorities because they’ve been hiring prostitutes to entertain elderly male residents at night. Now that’s what I call assisted living!
QUID PRO COOKIES
A Washington state male prison guard has been arrested for giving his female inmates cookies in exchange for sex. Rumor has it he’s been charged with “baking and entering.”
IMAGINARY CANDY
Meanwhile the Cadbury candy company is in trouble for claiming to have an imaginary factory in India, so it can save $46 million dollars in taxes. “I thought the factory really existed,” said Cadbury CEO Manti Teo.
ANCIENT TIMES
Last week a 4,000-year-old Egyptian mummy underwent a CT scan at a Virginia hospital. Museum researchers who ordered the expensive test hope to learn three things: What was the Mummy’s name? What did he die from? And will his Blue Cross pay for the CT scan?
FOOT FETISH
Researchers in the Netherlands now say there is such a thing as Foot Orgasm Syndrome, and that women who are affected can experience five to six orgasms every day. In other news, the Nike shoe company is bringing back its slogan, “Just Do It.”
RECORD-BREAKING RELATIONS
In order to get into the Guinness Book of World records, a 21-year-old Polish woman is traveling to every country in the world in hopes of having sex with 100,000 men. So far, she has had relations with 284 men, or as Madonna calls it, a slow night.
SHEDDING SEX
Last week, a Charleston couple was arrested for having sex in a display shed at Home Depot. The two lovers were understandably confused by Home Depot’s lack of hospitality in having them put in jail. After all, Home Depot’s motto is, “You can do it, we can help.”
CITY OF SISTERLY LOVE
Two Philadelphia women got into a fight at a shopping mall on Black Friday, and one woman used a Taser on the other. Asked if she was surprised by the Taser attack, the victim reportedly said, “Yes, I was stunned.”
EAR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW
Last week, two men in Stamford Connecticut were fighting over loud music, and one of the men bit off and swallowed the other guy’s ear. The victim is hoping that justice will be done, but, ironically, the matter will have to be settled at a “hearing.”
FUTURISTIC SEX
A private foundation plans to send a married couple to Mars in the year 2018, so that they can study what happens if two people have sex in outer space. Scientists assigned to the husband are especially interested in what effect weightlessness will have on begging. Meanwhile, in a recent Huffington Post poll, 18 percent of respondents said they would have sex with a robot. “That seems like a low number to me,” said George Jetson.
EXTRACTIONS AND REMOVALS
Last week London firefighters were called to the home of a man who had somehow managed to get his penis stuck in the toaster. The firemen successfully extracted the man from his appliance without hesitation, but several of the rescuers said they would never eat another pop tart. Meanwhile, televangelist Pat Robertson told his 700 Club audience that it is the wife’s responsibility to keep her husband from cheating. “I agree,” said Lorena Bobbitt.
METEOR BOY
In a story that sounds out of this world, a Florida man told police that his son was stricken by small meteorites while playing in the driveway. “Yeah, that’s what happened alright,” said the little boy across the street throwing rocks.
SHIP AHOY
And finally this item in the news. An Illinois man is building an authentic pirate ship on which he and his fiancée plan to be married. In keeping with the pirate theme, following the wedding reception, the groomsmen will share the booty.




They make mistakes. But the mark of a great President is his willingness to admit when he’s wrong, and then to correct his mistake. No, I’m not talking about Barack Obama’s botched Affordable Care Act, and his broken promise to let everyone keep their existing health plan. I’m talking about John Kennedy, and how he misread history, unintentionally insulted the state of Virginia, and was compelled to make amends.
The other day I read about a 52-year-old wife and mother who fulfilled her lifelong dream by trying out for and making the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleading squad. I suppose her story was inspiring on some level, and I’m not knocking anyone’s aspirations. I’m also probably the least qualified person in the hemisphere to comment on or criticize cheerleading. Nevertheless, we should all be concerned about the safety and impressionability of our children, and, by association, the relevance of the professional cheerleaders who they seek to emulate. Let’s begin with those NFL role models.
In his address to a joint session of Congress on Sept. 9, 2009, President Obama outlined his vision for healthcare reform. At one point during his speech, the President was reassuring his audience that illegal immigrants would not be covered under the proposed Affordable Care Act (ACA), when he was rudely interrupted by South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson who shouted, “You lie!” Those in attendance and many of us watching at home were appalled by Wilson’s behavior. After all, this was the President of the United States, and it is just not proper for anyone to interrupt him during a speech. I condemned Wilson at the time, and I still think his actions were inappropriate. But last week we learned that Obama deliberately misled Congress and the nation in order to gain passage of ACA, so now, I must regrettably admit that Mr. Wilson’s concerns were valid.
Once, when The Love Boat was navigating primetime waters and The Mary Tyler Moore Show and McHale’s Navy were still in re-runs, an Entertainment Tonight poll named Gavin MacLeod the most recognizable man on TV. Last week, that likeable icon christened his long-awaited autobiography, and it doesn’t disappoint.




















Posted January 8, 2014 By Triad TodayMinimum Wage is Too Minimal
Thanks to the NC General Assembly, a slew of new campaign laws went into effect last week, including a repeal of the “stand by your ad” law, so that candidates will no longer be required to declare that they “approved this message.” That’s understandable because the new reforms also provide for an increase in the maximum allowable donation to political campaigns while lessening disclosures. Why the change? Because our state lawmakers believed that the limits on political donations should keep pace with inflation. If only they applied that same rationale to minimumwage rates.
The hypocrisy of our elected officials couldn’t be more transparent.
It’s also pretty dispassionate and offensive. These politicians want donations to their re-election campaigns to increase, yet they seem to care nothing about the meager wages of their constituents. Not so in at least 13 other states where increases in minimum wage just went into effect. They include Arizona, Colorado, Connecticut, Florida, Missouri, Montana, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Oregon, Rhode Island, Vermont and Washington state.
Of course, the rate hikes in those states are minimal and mostly symbolic, but it’s a start, and, in some cases, may have triggered substantive increases in select cities. For example, San Jose’s minimum wage just rose to $10.15 per hour, while San Francisco’s rate jumped to $10.74. And, voters in Seattle just agreed to give 6,000 airport workers a raise from $9.19 to $15 per hour. Moreover, of the 13 states who just raised minimum wage, 10 of them have tied those increases to the cost of living index.
On the other hand, 31 states that don’t currently mandate a higher minimum wage must adhere to the federal hourly wage, which, as Huffington Business columnist Dave Jamieson points out, hasn’t been increased since 2009. That’s the year Congress so generously raised the rate to a staggering $7.25 per hour. Even worse, according to The Economist, in the years since then, the real value of that wage rate has slipped back to where it was in 1998.
Clearly it’s time for Congress to establish a federal minimum wage that gives workers a fighting chance to survive. Last year, US Sen. Tom Harkin attempted to do just that when he introduced the Fair Minimum Wage Act, which calls for a minimum wage of $10.10 per hour, phased in over two years. But guess what? The bill has stalled in committee, and there have been no roll call votes to advance it. Opponents of the bill continue to perpetuate the same old myth: “If we raise minimum wage, businesses will have to cut jobs.”
Thankfully, a number of respected organizations and economists have come forward over the past year to dispel that myth. The Economic Policy Institute, for example, conducted an extensive nationwide survey, and in March 2013 released a report which concluded the following: “Raising the minimum wage would help reverse the ongoing erosion of wages that has contributed significantly to growing income inequality. At the same time, it would provide a modest stimulus to the entire economy as increased wages would lead to increased consumer spending, which would contribute to GDP growth and modest employment gains.” By the way, those modest gains would include the creation of an estimated 140,000 new jobs.
Meanwhile, the Chicago Booth School of Business chimed in with its own survey, concluding that “leading economists agreed by a 4-to-1 margin that the benefits of raising and indexing the minimum wage outweigh the costs.” Princeton professor Paul Krugman put it all much more succinctly, saying that a rise in minimum wage would have “little if any negative effect on employment.” In addition, Bloomberg News reported that “studies find minimum wage increases provide an economic boost as strapped workers immediately spend their raises.” And the Harvard Business Review is on record saying that raising the minimum wage will benefit employers who, by paying the higher rate, will experience a reduction in employee turnover and increased productivity.
Today over 30 million Americans are paid minimum wage, and they deserve better. They deserve a living wage. That’s why we need to pass the Fair Minimum Wage Act. Until then, my solution is for everyone making $7.25 per hour to run for the state legislature this year. If elected they can then vote on raising the minimum wage, while making a respectable salary, and raking in lots of maximum allowable campaign donations to boot. I’m Jim Longworth, and I approved this message.